During some recent battles Nathan was doing some searching
on how and what to pray while going through uncharted territory or unfamiliar
struggles. Very soon after, while reading a Jesus Calling with Fenley, God
revealed exactly what He expects and wants from us – “Trust Me enough to be
real with me.” The wakeup call was exactly what we needed to hear! God wants
our hearts. He wants to hear from us, no matter how broken we are or scattered
our thoughts seem to be. As long as we are talking about being real, we think
it’s about time to share one of our greatest burdens because we also trust our
community of believers enough to be real with you.
About 2 years ago, we took the initial steps of adding another player to our TEAM D. By now, we thought for sure we would have a few more on our roster, but funny things happen sometimes to those perfect future scenarios that we tend to play out in our heads. So began our journey and fight with infertility. After much prayer and pillow chat (we actually get this now since we started leaving our phones in the kitchen at night), we have decided that God wants us to write this down. To be honest, this is a bit scary for us to do, but, we believe by sharing this vision with others that God will be able to do “immeasurably more…” not only for us but for others to know they are not alone. Whatever the reason is, it is time and we are ready to obey. Like anything, obedience is hard. Sometimes obedience hurts and sometimes it can be embarrassing but in the end, obedience is always the best way. We are willing to look like fools as we take a few steps out of the boat, having faith that God will hold us up as we do. So today, inspired by the Holy Spirit, we obey and take a risk with confidence.
Before we start, please hear our heart behind this -- First, we do not claim to know how any couple feels other than ourselves. We are only sharing a snapshot of our walk with you and you may or may not relate. You are absolutely entitled to your own thoughts and feelings. We validate those. Many very dear to us have been on this journey much longer than we have and we are amazed at their endurance. We can only stand in awe of your strength. Thank you for shining and being a genuine example. Like Paul says in Phil. 1:3 “I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” We love you.
Second, we are so blessed to have a beautiful daughter who is healthy, fun, kind and spunky! She is a HUGE gift and we do not take her for granted. If anything, this journey has made our love for her grow. We realize many do not have this and for those that have not yet felt what it is like to hold your sweet baby in your arms, we grieve for you. Fenley Reece, you are enough! You fill us with JOY like none other. Just as your name means, “fair warrior” we fight in this life with you and pray God’s richest blessings over you.
Third, we trust God and are confident in his plan. He is sovereign over all and in all. We firmly believe this to be true and as you read through our thoughts, hurts, questions, and more please remember that is the strong truth through it all….God is in it all. He is the source of all our power and our victories.
Last, we know this to be a private topic. We have been fearful to fully surrender what a rollercoaster of a story this has been with a larger community. We know that many have this burden and bear it in quiet strength. We are not judging those who choose to stay private about this for it is an intimate journey with each other and the Lord. Our close family and friends have been a huge support to us and for that, we thank you. Your text, phone calls, and ultimately your prayers have been a huge source of strength to get us to this point so far. With that being said, we feel it is time to share and invite others in. Galatians 6:2 says “Carry each other’s burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” We want to pray for you. We want and NEED you to pray for us. We are all in this life together.
Two years ago we decided that we were ready to grow our family. We got pregnant pretty quickly and got excited about a new little Daniel. Fenley was also pumped to display her “baby care” skills that her American Girl Dolls had provided her on a real live baby! After hearing the heart beat and seeing a few pictures, at 9 weeks we found out our baby was no longer with us. God was sweet to us a few weeks later revealing more about that sweet one (that is a God story for another appointed time). After this we naturally thought after a month or so we would be pregnant again and life would go on with more babies in the future…and soon! Well soon is never soon enough is it? Here we are a couple of years later receiving medication, undergoing tests and procedures to pinpoint what’s impeding progress. Here we are… waiting. But we are also learning to find joy in the journey, knowing with great certainty that He is working in our waiting. That’s where we are. Waiting. But still hoping. Still dreaming. Still believing. Still praying.
Recently we started watching Parenthood. We realize we are behind the curve because many of you have been posting and sharing about this show for a long time and we are just now getting to it. We admit that sometimes life is fun to binge watch Netflix shows and relax with each other. And Parenthood has given us this! Little did we know that during one of the hardest weeks of our journey, Joel and Julia, two of our favorite characters would be highlighted in the show for the very thing we are walking through. It became a little therapeutic. Watching Joel and Julia cry and mourn for this baby they wanted that was not here spoke straight to our hearts. They were so grateful for Sydney their 6 year old but had a deep hole in their heart for more. And that is why we connected with them.
Somewhere in life, we start thinking we can’t hurt if our hurt is “less than” someone elses. We feel
guilty if we do because hey “they have it worse than we do”. Yes, there is a time to be grateful for what we do have and to see things in a different way but hurt is hurt. A longing is a longing. Having Fenley is enough and we adore her. We still long for more. Our hearts, hers included, are waiting for more to love on. We wonder and ask crazy “what if” questions constantly -- What if Fenley is an only child? Will she get exhausted having all the attention on her…both good and bad? What if she gets bored with us? Will she want to spend holidays with us when she gets married or will his family be more fun? Will she be sad that she doesn’t know what it is like to have nieces and nephews? Will her kids be disappointed about not having cousins? Will she be stressed out having to manage both of us when we are old? These are just a few of the thoughts that flood our minds. And at first they are just fleeting questions but someday they actually start becoming a conversation.
Then there are the other conversations you have with other people…things like, “so, you all just have the one? How is it only having one child, must be nice? I bet Fenley loves having all the attention on just her. “ Other times we hear things like “if you all are going to have another child, you better start soon, you don’t want them too far apart.” Theses talks seem so bad at first but end up becoming comical and quickly you ask God for forgiveness for all the times you might have said these dumb things to others that you had no idea were so hurtful. Yikes! We sure have learned the hard way!
Since we have already been somewhat of an open book to these crazy (but NORMAL) questions that have come up during this time we thought we would just continue to walk you through a few more of those battles. You see the enemy who is sneaking around seeking for someone to devour (1 Peter says) is always wanting us to be anxious. The enemy thrives on lies, anxiety and fear. This fertility journey has often opened us up and weakened us, allowing our own thoughts to get the best of us. Ultimately we don’t let him win and we will not let him occupy our thoughts for we want to stay anchored in “whatever is true, noble, right, lovely…” Phil. 4:8. Occasionally though fleeting thoughts like…What have we done wrong? Is Becca doing something that could be causing this? Is Nathan doing something wrong? We go through everything. We over analyze Becca drinking one diet mountain dew too many or doing to many box jumps at Crossfit …you literally can make yourself crazy! Then back to truth. God is good. He does not cause us harm. He has good things for us. Then back to crazy…will we EVER have another kid? What if we don’t? Do we have money to undergo more test and procedures? Will people think we are doing something bad? And embarrassment sinks in…is my body made right? Is everything working right? More tests. More waiting. More sadness. More stress.
Then the lovely advice from those trying to help…”you just need to relax. Just don’t think about it. God’s timing is perfect.” And the oh so helpful social media pregnancy announcements. If one person is having a baby, 10 are! It seems that every time you get on facebook, walk into church, go to the grocery store, get together with extended family, one more person is pregnant! YAY, you say through a broken heart. Not that you are not happy for them for you are, but it just makes that aching and yearning that much stronger, that more intense. Moments like this are what Paul was talking about in Romans when he said “rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.” Balancing this is a careful act that is hard to attain. Don’t get us people who struggle with fertility wrong, we are HAPPY for you. Genuinely happy but at the exact same time we are happy for you, we hurt deeply for ourselves.
Phillipians 1:6
“And I am certain that God who began the good work within you will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”
We reveal all this for a few big reasons – perhaps more than anything we share this because we firmly believe in the power of God and when we are willing to share our suffering with others we believe strength is sure to follow. We acknowledge our very real fear of not having any more children. So many of you know how we desire more. There is a genuine heartbreaking experience every time we hold or even see a newborn. We are trusting and believing in God to bring us a great victory. Scripture is so powerful, friends! Every minute of every day we find great comfort in being covered in His word. All throughout God’s word He heaps promise upon promise that He loves us, to not fear anything, and that we can overcome by the power of His name. Our family verse for this year, Hebrews 10:23, stays on repeat in our hearts and minds, “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.” Based on that verse, we have a special request for you to join us in prayer. Help us, friends, to defend our hopes and dreams through prayer! We know without a doubt He is listening. As a family, we have set our alarms for 10:23am (or pm if you choose) to remind us of that verse and to remind us that we must “hold unswervingly to the hope we profess.” Would you join us by doing the same? Set your phone’s alarm for 10:23 and lift others up. May this serve as a reminder to pray for all of those who are waiting! Waiting looks different for all of us, but the season of waiting is fought much better with an army. May these few moments of prayer each day be a testimony for all of us as we wait for God to show himself faithful.
In this season of waiting, please join us as we ---
Acknowledge our fears --
Believe in the power of God!
Conquer through Scripture.
Defend (our hopes and dreams) through prayer. He listens.
Please join us in prayer at 10:23 every day because we know that this story is still being written.
Before we start, please hear our heart behind this -- First, we do not claim to know how any
couple feels other than ourselves. We are only sharing a snapshot of our walk
with you and you may or may not relate. You are absolutely entitled to your own
thoughts and feelings. We validate those. Many very dear to us have been on
this journey much longer than we have and we are amazed at their endurance. We
can only stand in awe of your strength. Thank you for shining and being a
genuine example. Like Paul says in Phil. 1:3 “I thank my God every time I
remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because
of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident
of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion
until the day of Christ Jesus.” We love you.
Second, we are so
blessed to have a beautiful daughter who is healthy, fun, kind and spunky! She
is a HUGE gift and we do not take her for granted. If anything, this journey
has made our love for her grow. We realize many do not have this and for those
that have not yet felt what it is like to hold your sweet baby in your arms, we
grieve for you. Fenley Reece, you are enough! You fill us with JOY like none
other. Just as your name means, “fair warrior” we fight in this life with you
and pray God’s richest blessings over you.
Third, we trust
God and are confident in his plan. He is sovereign over all and in all. We
firmly believe this to be true and as you read through our thoughts, hurts,
questions, and more please remember that is the strong truth through it
all….God is in it all. He is the source of all our power and our victories.
Last, we know this
to be a private topic. We have been fearful to fully surrender what a
rollercoaster of a story this has been with a larger community. We know that many have this burden and bear
it in quiet strength. We are not judging those who choose to stay private about
this for it is an intimate journey with each other and the Lord. Our close
family and friends have been a huge support to us and for that, we thank you.
Your text, phone calls, and ultimately your prayers have been a huge source of
strength to get us to this point so far. With that being said, we feel it is
time to share and invite others in. Galatians 6:2 says “Carry each other’s
burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” We want to pray
for you. We want and NEED you to pray
for us. We are all in this life together.
Two years ago we decided that we were ready to grow our
family. We got pregnant pretty quickly and got excited about a new little
Daniel. Fenley was also pumped to display her “baby care” skills that her
American Girl Dolls had provided her on a real live baby! After hearing the
heart beat and seeing a few pictures, at 9 weeks we found out our baby was no
longer with us. God was sweet to us a few weeks later revealing more about that
sweet one (that is a God story for another appointed time). After this we
naturally thought after a month or so we would be pregnant again and life would
go on with more babies in the future…and soon! Well soon is never soon enough
is it? Here we are a couple of years later receiving medication, undergoing
tests and procedures to pinpoint what’s impeding progress. Here we are… waiting.
But we are also learning to find joy in the journey, knowing with great
certainty that He is working in our waiting. That’s where we are. Waiting. But
still hoping. Still dreaming. Still believing. Still praying.
Recently we started watching Parenthood. We realize we are
behind the curve because many of you have been posting and sharing about this
show for a long time and we are just now getting to it. We admit that sometimes
life is fun to binge watch Netflix shows and relax with each other. And Parenthood
has given us this! Little did we know that during one of the hardest weeks of
our journey, Joel and Julia, two of our favorite characters would be
highlighted in the show for the very thing we are walking through. It became a
little therapeutic. Watching Joel and Julia cry and mourn for this baby they
wanted that was not here spoke straight to our hearts. They were so grateful
for Sydney their 6 year old but had a deep hole in their heart for more. And
that is why we connected with them.
Somewhere in life, we start thinking we can’t hurt if our
hurt is “less than” someone elses. We feel
guilty if we do because hey “they
have it worse than we do”. Yes, there is a time to be grateful for what we do
have and to see things in a different way but hurt is hurt. A longing is a
longing. Having Fenley is enough and we adore her. We still long for more. Our
hearts, hers included, are waiting for more to love on. We wonder and ask crazy
“what if” questions constantly -- What if Fenley is an only child? Will she get
exhausted having all the attention on her…both good and bad? What if she gets
bored with us? Will she want to spend holidays with us when she gets married or
will his family be more fun? Will she be sad that she doesn’t know what it is
like to have nieces and nephews? Will her kids be disappointed about not having
cousins? Will she be stressed out having to manage both of us when we are old?
These are just a few of the thoughts that flood our minds. And at first they
are just fleeting questions but someday they actually start becoming a
conversation.
Then there are the other conversations you have with other
people…things like, “so, you all just have the one? How is it only having one
child, must be nice? I bet Fenley loves having all the attention on just her. “
Other times we hear things like “if you all are going to have another child,
you better start soon, you don’t want them too far apart.” Theses talks seem so
bad at first but end up becoming comical and quickly you ask God for
forgiveness for all the times you might have said these dumb things to others that
you had no idea were so hurtful. Yikes! We sure have learned the hard way!
Since we have already been somewhat of an open book to these
crazy (but NORMAL) questions that have come up during this time we thought we
would just continue to walk you through a few more of those battles. You see
the enemy who is sneaking around seeking for someone to devour (1 Peter says)
is always wanting us to be anxious. The enemy thrives on lies, anxiety and
fear. This fertility journey has often opened us up and weakened us, allowing
our own thoughts to get the best of us. Ultimately we don’t let him win and we
will not let him occupy our thoughts for we want to stay anchored in “whatever
is true, noble, right, lovely…” Phil. 4:8. Occasionally though fleeting
thoughts like…What have we done wrong? Is Becca doing something that could be
causing this? Is Nathan doing something wrong? We go through everything. We
over analyze Becca drinking one diet mountain dew too many or doing to many box
jumps at Crossfit …you literally can make yourself crazy! Then back to truth.
God is good. He does not cause us harm. He has good things for us. Then back to
crazy…will we EVER have another kid? What if we don’t? Do we have money to
undergo more test and procedures? Will people think we are doing something bad?
And embarrassment sinks in…is my body made right? Is everything working right?
More tests. More waiting. More sadness. More stress.
Then the lovely advice from those trying to help…”you just
need to relax. Just don’t think about it. God’s timing is perfect.” And the oh
so helpful social media pregnancy announcements. If one person is having a
baby, 10 are! It seems that every time you get on facebook, walk into church,
go to the grocery store, get together with extended family, one more person is
pregnant! YAY, you say through a broken heart. Not that you are not happy for
them for you are, but it just makes that aching and yearning that much
stronger, that more intense. Moments like this are what Paul was talking about
in Romans when he said “rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who
mourn.” Balancing this is a careful act that is hard to attain. Don’t get us
people who struggle with fertility wrong, we are HAPPY for you. Genuinely happy
but at the exact same time we are happy for you, we hurt deeply for ourselves.
Phillipians 1:6
“And I am certain that God who began the
good work within you will continue His work until it is finally finished on the
day when Christ Jesus returns.”
We reveal all this for a few big reasons – perhaps more than
anything we share this because we firmly believe in the power of God and when
we are willing to share our suffering with others we believe strength is sure
to follow. We acknowledge our very real
fear of not having any more children. So many of you know how we desire more.
There is a genuine heartbreaking experience every time we hold or even see a
newborn. We are trusting and believing in God to bring us a great victory.
Scripture is so powerful, friends! Every minute of every day we find great
comfort in being covered in His word. All throughout God’s word He heaps
promise upon promise that He loves us, to not fear anything, and that we can
overcome by the power of His name. Our family verse for this year, Hebrews
10:23, stays on repeat in our hearts and minds, “Let us hold fast the
confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.”
Based on that verse, we have a special request for you to join us in prayer. Help us, friends, to defend our hopes and
dreams through prayer! We know without a doubt He is listening. As a family, we
have set our alarms for 10:23am (or pm if you choose) to remind us of that
verse and to remind us that we must “hold unswervingly to the hope we profess.”
Would you join us by doing the same? Set your phone’s alarm for 10:23 and lift
others up. May this serve as a reminder to pray for all of those who are
waiting! Waiting looks different for all of us, but the season of waiting is
fought much better with an army. May these few moments of prayer each day be a testimony
for all of us as we wait for God to show himself faithful.
In this season of
waiting, please join us as we ---
Acknowledge our fears --
Believe in the power of God!
Conquer through Scripture.
Defend (our hopes and dreams)
through prayer. He listens.
Please join us in
prayer at 10:23 every day because we know that this story is still being
written.
